Acceptance as a pathway to GRACE...

So.... I breathed and I pushed and breathed and pushed... I am still breathing, still pushing... still surviving.... Thank the Divine spirit G-d for that. I wrote in my last post about wanting to live life with grace. A friend of mine read the post and wished and hoped with me that I would live into the graceful life I seek. This well wishing gave me pause... for a few reasons... one because of who she is to me .... the person that she has been my life.... the fact that we have not always honestly be able to call each other friend and the fact that in my most honest moments I know well wishing hasn't always been at the forefront of my thoughts towards her.... and here she was wishing and hoping with me that grace would consume my life such that I lived a graceful life. The other reason I took pause... was the words she used...."and one day you just may have that graceful life you are looking for." She wanted for me.. what I wanted for myself.. a sure sign of compassion and empathy... the problem was... I am not looking for a graceful life.... I am hoping to live life with grace.

Grace surely abounds in my life... the Divine G-d of my understanding has abundant grace that is more than sufficient... but I speak of a different iteration of grace. The grace under fire type of grace...she handled it all with grace type of grace... she walks with grace in this world type of grace. I apsire to that.. I aspire to be that type of woman.

And yet... I feel so far from that.... not really able to embody that... living with grace right now seems so intangible for me right now.

However through reflection, breathing and pushing... this friendship that was previously unthinkable... a conversation with my life long friend.... I have found one pathway to living with grace is walking in acceptance. This friendship teaches me acceptance on many levels... this friend  of mine encourages me to accept things.. accept my feelings... accept my realities... so that I can free myself to live into grace...

Today I feel better than I have since this process of separating has began. Today I have accepted at a core level where I am.. where things are... where "we" are. Today I have "moved into" my life as a separated person. I have accepted what I've known all along.... living really is or can be 1000 lifetimes... that I am often afraid of letting go.. that I wish my days would last forever.... but that if they did.. my tomorrows would never come. (Paraphrased from Lillian by Doria Roberts). Here I am at the edge of another lifetime... re-inventing myself.... incorporating the lessons of the last lifetime.... being willing as I am faced with new lessons to learn... leaning into life... loving myself wholly and fully.

I am blessed to have survived all that have. I am a survivor... I was born to be a survivor and that is okay with me. I will survive this.. I will thrive with this... and I will live my un-graceful life with grace.

Peace, Blessings, and Grace dear ones...

~32FlavoursOfHumanity

Surviving another lifetime...

Hey hey hey..... what do you say? So it's been 3 years since I posted and here I am again.... evolving into another lifetime. What have I been up to in this time? Well living and working... loving... being married... and now separated on the verge of being divorced. Here I sit full of pain. Full of emotion. Feeling all my hopes and dreams for this life slip away.. feeling alone... unloved... unsure of how I could have stopped this... unsure of what I missed... unsure of why this had to happen his way... questioning why I allowed myself to believe in love.. allowed myself to believe anyone would love me or... make a promise to walk this journey with me. Everything I wanted...

Eh... and so here I sit... trying to push through... Trying to be ok. Breathing in... Breathing out... Just Breathe! Looking for the motivation to push... push... push... Another fucking lifetime... Another fucking chapter... Trying to have the strength to reinvent... Praying I can do this... praying I can find the will to live... to survive..

I know how to survive. I have done it my whoooooole life. Survival is a good skill in the wilderness. I was born to survive... 2 months early...2lbs they said.. and yet here I am 30 years later still surviving. Wishing I could live. Wishing..I could thrive.

I have visions of a life well lived... visions of living with grace... Self love and freedom... Thriving not Surviving..

Push... I tell myself... Push... and Breathe... Push and Breathe... Push and Breathe... That's all I have in me today.

Let me introduce myself- Part 2 (Hi, My Name is...)

What's in a name? Well if you're me- a lot! So why 32FlavoursOfHumanity?

32FlavoursOfHumanity- clearly an internet moniker since I'm not sure how much of my identity I want to share yet. My name is inspired by an Ani Difranco song 32 Flavours and then some... meaning I'm more than the standard chocolate/vanilla of life and even go beyond the mixed up jumble of Rocky Road or Praline Supreme. I'm inside and outside the box, I'm complex and simple, I'm unique and I confirm- I bare the stamp of all of humanity- but wear it in my own "culture of one" way. Yea- it's deep and it's not- I hope you get where I'm going with it. There are some ways I choose to identify, but I can't be defined by any one or all of my identities- what binds me to all of the world is my humanity. I am different yet I am the same- but aren't we all?

Let me introduce myself- Part 1 (1,000 Lifetimes-Lillian)

Well this is new!! My first real blog.

Greetings, and welcome to my little slice of the world wide web. Let's get acquainted. I wanted to introduce myself- but true to my nature such tasks are not as simple as one might think- so this is a three part series about this blog, my name, and who I am. Yep this is what you're signing up for- at least for now, until I can refine my blogging skills. My posts will mostly be stream of consciousness and sometimes broken down into parts, and sometimes disjointed and hard to follow; they will be my ponderings, my commentary on life, my thoughts, my frustrations, my desires, my joys, my sorrows- my journey. I seek reciprocal connection, encouragement, and support. I'm not a writer- so I won't even begin to pretend that this will be any great literary work- just a way of expressing and releasing or containing the ebbs and flows of my life- and how I find my life connected to a the interconnected human web.


Why One Thousand Lifetimes of Evolution? Is it a comment on reincarnation? No, not exactly. The jury is still out on my beliefs on reincarnation- in any sense. So what is it? First let me say, music-lyrics to be specific- have a great impact on my life. In a way that it is the soundtrack of life, or more-so the narration of my life. For most situations I find myself in, I can think of song lyrics to describe where I am, what I'm feeling, or what I want to say- so is true for my blog title. It was inspired by a Doria Roberts song Lillian. (check her out) Lillian is about her grandmother- reviewing her life before dying-  it's about the thousand lifetimes that make up a whole life- the ways we evolve throughout a lifetime, how it is so hard to let go of what we know, but that it's not until you let go that a new day can begin. From the first time I heard the song- I was struck by how even in my short life I feel I have lived a thousand lifetimes- how I've evolved and reinvented, by how struggles have come and wiped away my sense of who I was or where I was supposed to be, only to propel me to a higher sense of self and being. This blog will chronicle some of the evolutions of my life- the 1,000 lifetimes I have lived and am living.....

Have you lived 1,000 lifetimes?