So.... I breathed and I pushed and breathed and pushed... I am still breathing, still pushing... still surviving.... Thank the Divine spirit G-d for that. I wrote in my last post about wanting to live life with grace. A friend of mine read the post and wished and hoped with me that I would live into the graceful life I seek. This well wishing gave me pause... for a few reasons... one because of who she is to me .... the person that she has been my life.... the fact that we have not always honestly be able to call each other friend and the fact that in my most honest moments I know well wishing hasn't always been at the forefront of my thoughts towards her.... and here she was wishing and hoping with me that grace would consume my life such that I lived a graceful life. The other reason I took pause... was the words she used...."and one day you just may have that graceful life you are looking for." She wanted for me.. what I wanted for myself.. a sure sign of compassion and empathy... the problem was... I am not looking for a graceful life.... I am hoping to live life with grace.
Grace surely abounds in my life... the Divine G-d of my understanding has abundant grace that is more than sufficient... but I speak of a different iteration of grace. The grace under fire type of grace...she handled it all with grace type of grace... she walks with grace in this world type of grace. I apsire to that.. I aspire to be that type of woman.
And yet... I feel so far from that.... not really able to embody that... living with grace right now seems so intangible for me right now.
However through reflection, breathing and pushing... this friendship that was previously unthinkable... a conversation with my life long friend.... I have found one pathway to living with grace is walking in acceptance. This friendship teaches me acceptance on many levels... this friend of mine encourages me to accept things.. accept my feelings... accept my realities... so that I can free myself to live into grace...
Today I feel better than I have since this process of separating has began. Today I have accepted at a core level where I am.. where things are... where "we" are. Today I have "moved into" my life as a separated person. I have accepted what I've known all along.... living really is or can be 1000 lifetimes... that I am often afraid of letting go.. that I wish my days would last forever.... but that if they did.. my tomorrows would never come. (Paraphrased from Lillian by Doria Roberts). Here I am at the edge of another lifetime... re-inventing myself.... incorporating the lessons of the last lifetime.... being willing as I am faced with new lessons to learn... leaning into life... loving myself wholly and fully.
I am blessed to have survived all that have. I am a survivor... I was born to be a survivor and that is okay with me. I will survive this.. I will thrive with this... and I will live my un-graceful life with grace.
Peace, Blessings, and Grace dear ones...
~32FlavoursOfHumanity
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